Right or Reconciled?
You know the conversation. You had the facts on your side. Your argument was stronger, and when it was over, you had won. You were right. And something between you and that person has been cold ever since.
That is the moment I want us to consider this week, because Scripture speaks directly to it: “Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I prefer to appeal to you on the basis of love. It is as none other than Paul, an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus.” (Philemon 1:8-9, NIV)
Notice what Paul says. He does not deny his authority. He openly acknowledges it. He could be bold. He could issue a command, and he would have every right to do so. Paul was an apostle. Paul was right. Yet he chose a different path: “I prefer to appeal to you on the basis of love.”
Consider his circumstances. He was an old man and a prisoner. This was not a comfortable man being generous, nor a powerless man with no alternatives. Paul had the standing to pull rank, and he had every excuse to do it. He was asking Philemon to receive Onesimus back, a request that carried real cost. If there was ever a moment to give an order, this was it. But Paul appealed instead.
An order can change behavior. Only love changes a heart. Being right may win an argument, but love wins the person. If we’re honest, we face the same choice every day.
In marriage, you can prove you were right about what was said, when it was said, and who said it first. You may win the argument but end up lying beside someone who feels prosecuted rather than loved.
With your children, you can enforce the rules and achieve compliance. But compliance is not the same as a transformed heart. One lasts until they leave your house. The other remains with them wherever life takes them.
At work, you can be technically correct in every meeting and still be difficult to work with. Being right is not always the same as being effective.
The same is true in the church. We can be correct on an issue and still handle a brother or sister in a way that leaves them bruised. Right on the point, careless with the person. Paul possessed both truth and authority, yet he chose to appeal because he wanted Philemon’s heart, not merely his cooperation.
To be clear, none of this means compromising truth. Paul never withdrew what was right. He simply refused to use truth as a weapon against someone he loved.
Before your next difficult conversation, ask yourself what you truly want. If your goal is simply to be right, you already know how to get there. But if your goal is reconciliation, love is the only road that leads there. Let’s get anchored.
Challenge: Think of one person you are most certain you’re right about. Are you willing to lay down the need to be right to win their heart, or have you quietly decided that being right matters more than heart alignment?